What is the biggest choice you’ve ever made? 

I don’t mean the little choices that have big consequences – I mean the ‘This is going to change my life’ kind of choice.

Mine – Am I going to spend the rest of my life with somebody?

Yep, that’s a big choice.

To be honest, I am not great at choices. I’m the kind of person who spend ages looking at the menu, then panic order something when the waiter comes to the table. And when the food gets delivered, I get food-envy over what everyone else ordered and spend the rest of the meal trying to scrounge for a taste of what they have.

So back in 2012 when my then-boyfriend and I were getting kind of serious and he asked, not quite ‘the question’ but the question before the question – ‘Is marriage on the table?’ I took a rational and reasonable response and sat down to discern.

Well, not quite …

What I actually did was run to a bathroom, book flights to India and took off about a week later.

Not my proudest moment.

So, I panicked! But to me, this wasn’t a question of ‘Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person?’ But rather, “Do I want to spend the rest of my life with anyone?’

I wasn’t sure if marriage was for me, my parents had broken up when I was young, and I saw first-hand the heartbreak for everyone involved and I didn’t want to go anywhere near that again. So I took off, but why India? Well, I’d always wanted to go there, I wanted to serve and volunteer where Saint Teresa of Kolkata had. I always had a deep respect for her. But the other reason was that it was the perfect example of the wild, spontaneous thing I could do if I lived alone. No one to check in with, no one to ask what they want to do – just me.

It goes without saying that when you book a last-minute trip from a public bathroom, you miss a few important details. Small things like, checking that where you are going to be staying will be open when you arrive. That’s how I found myself standing alone at 1AM in the middle of a street in Kolkata, facing a locked gate and trying to work out where I am going to sleep that night.

But I wasn’t scared – I was excited!  This is why I came to India, to have an adventure, to have these sorts of stories. This was way more thrilling than the questions waiting for me back home.

Eventually after walking around for a while I find a hotel that’s open and get a pretty good night’s sleep, and early the next morning, before I sign on to work in an orphanage, I head down to mass at the Missionaries of Charity Convent. It’s the Convent that Mother Teresa established and her final resting place. The only space free for me to sit was on the floor, on the other side of her tomb.

As Mass begins and communion time comes around, I stand and walk towards the priest. My mind wanders back home to my boyfriend. Was I worthy for him? Here he was pursuing me, pursuing a calling on our lives, and what had I done? I didn’t even let him ask the question; I had run away. I was holding back, holding back from him and my vocation. What adventure was I really meant to be on?

And maybe you have already spotted the big mistake I’d been making, but it took up until this point for me to realise it.  Everything had been about me. What I wanted to do – where I wanted to go – who I wanted to be around. I had failed to ask one simple question, and as Christian, probably the most important question:

Lord, what do You want for me?

I firmly believe in the line from scripture. “I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). But in this whole process I hadn’t given any real thought to what those plans might be. To let go of all the things I am holding on so tightly for myself and to be open to something greater.

This is what I’m thinking of as I go to receive Communion and as I’m walking back to my space on the floor, I notice for the first time that someone has spelt out words on the tomb, in tiny little flowers. But the words jump out as me as though every petal was put there just for me to see…

There, on my first day in India, God had spelled out the very thing I was meant to be doing back home. God had a plan for me and He was asking for me to surrender to His plans for hope, for greatness for my future.

And when He spells it out in flowers on a Saint’s tomb – it’s hard to say no.

SOME PRACTICAL TIPS

It’s all very well to say, ‘Discern Gods will for your life.’ But what does that really look like? While there is no one, perfect way to discern God’s will, here are some handy methods of discernment I have used to help make those big choices in my life. These are also some of the methods the Church encourages us to use.

1.     Prayer

Sit with it in prayer. This can look pretty different depending on who you are and how you pray.  For me, I didn’t go into one single prayer time and expect to come out with an answer. But I brought it into my regular prayer. I’d sit with the daily bible readings like I usually would, or go to Adoration, but in my heart, I just held this question. I found that the insights I was taking away were giving me encouragement, a sense of peace and a sense of calling.  It’s in the space we can ask God – is this of you?  

Some people ask for signs from God and get one, while others don’t. Signs are a risky method to lean heavily on, but we know that God spoke to some people in the bible this way, such as Joseph and Gideon. And there are some people who God still communicates in this way to today. There is no perfect way. But be careful with this one.

2.  Exploration

Go exploring, look into it, investigate. Are you looking at moving somewhere new? Go visit it, walk the streets take in the culture. Research it; what do the locals say?

One piece of advice I got was to ‘live one week like you had made a choice one way, then live the next week like you had made the other choice’.  So that’s what I did. I lived like I had said yes to getting married. It didn’t change what I did that week, it didn’t change where I went or who I saw, I didn’t go out and buy a wedding dress (I may have practiced my new signature a few times though) but it definitely changed how I felt. That sense of peace and calling grew. And the week I lived where I made the choice not to get married? Well it only lasted a couple of days. I felt so torn up inside, so uneasy and agitated that I just knew it wasn’t right.

3.  Wise Guidance

Go to those people you trust, those people you lean on. If you haven’t got a mentor (which I can’t recommend enough) go to them, chat with them. Take on their advice. You don’t always have to follow it, but if they are someone who knows you well and someone you trust, they will have your back.   I talked to others in the same situation. I asked a woman who I had a lot in common with how she felt when she was getting engaged.

If you’re looking at changing your career or changing what you’re studying, ask someone who’s in that field. Talk to them about what it looks like, about what’s involved. What do they wish someone had told them before they started?

4. Peace

Finally, pay attention to your inner feelings. I have always used this as an indicator to God’s calling. Am I at peace with it? I might still be nervous or scared, I might be sad about it or I might be bouncing off the walls with excitement. But deep down, do I feel peace?

Remember, God will never force you. He will never make you do something you don’t want to. We all have the gift of free will so it will always be our choice.  God opens the door with the invitation to step through. And when faced with God’s open door I lean on one of my favourite lines of literature to help me walk through it.